Learning to Decide !

Well thank good old Lord my blog opened. It was just not working and i was starting to freak out of fear that i won't get to lighten my heavy heart. Damn! What a dramatic week that was. A lot of changes. Practical changes which affected me hard. Emotionally. My mind is such a mess right now. 

As i write this, i still lay unsure here on my bed. Thinking much about whether to continue writing or not. Doubting myself if i can digest the feed backs after letting the whole world know about such personal matters. Yes, i am scared. Scared of being judged. Scared of being pointed at. Scared of being gossiped about. And scared of being under-estimated.

But i guess this is me. Timid yet Brave. Weak by nature yet Strong by experiences. Life has taught me a whole lot. And one of the lessons i have learned is to be myself. To tell you the truth, i have never been secretive. Concealing my feelings is something i just cannot do. I have always always been the narrator of my own book. So being just my own self today, let me read out to you yet another chapter of my 'never boring' life.

If you had read my previous post (Sunny Sunday), i bet you sensed how gleeful i sounded. Well i indeed was happily flying on cloud 9. And why wouldn't i? For i had just been offered a new job and here i tell you without hesitation that someone had entered my life too. Times were good. But the sun doesn't always shine, does she? Even the day must give way to the night is also something i have learnt from my Westlife boys.

I started both the new shows i had mentioned. And it went well. But maybe not as good enough, as what i was told when they broke the bad news to me. Yeah, i was thrown out of that girls' show. What a kick they gave me in the head! Oh how difficult it was for me to believe it. Cause it was way unexpected as i loved being a part of that show and was excitedly looking forward for the second part. But little did i knew that the first time was also the very last time. I came home and cried my heart out. The last time i cried was around mid January when Radio Kantipur showed me the way out. It was then i realized i was really hurt. But wait, that was not all the stones they had to throw at me. They also told me that the love show i did was not so impressive and that i would be allowed only one last go to prove myself. Suddenly, it was like i was forced to doubt my own self. Having cold feet, i conversed with myself; 'Maybe the studio is not my place, maybe the microphone is not my thing.' Not even a proper week of starting my work there and i was already being threatened of getting fired. Plus having the thought of being kicked out from 2 big media houses in such a short period of time, off course my heart was throbbing.
 
When we are the mind, our friends are our heart. And when we are the heart, our friends are our mind. Meaning they help us think from another equally important perspective when we tend to use only one in certain situations. That afternoon, when my heart was in full control, a friend came to my rescue. At first I made her listen to whatever pain i had to cry and then she gave me a piece of her mind. She re-assured me that i am a good RJ with a good voice. That felt nice. :) She further advised me that i don't necessarily have to work with people who doesn't appreciate my work. Her soft scoldings were a blessing in disguise. Cause she made me realize that it was not only my fault that i didn't live up to their expectations, but also (mainly) their fault for treating me like trash. Off course they knew exactly how good or bad i was when they took me in. So how could they have simply judged me on the very first show and tell me that i am not up to par for their radio. That is so so wrong. If they were not that sure of my capability, they shouldn't have hired me (without auditioning) in the first place itself. Or they could also have trained me a bit before giving me the freedom to go live on air.

Hurt, insulted and disrespected to the core! That was how i was feeling. My friend told me to give my best shot for the last chance that i was offered and i was willing to do it too. But after torturing my brain with non-stop questions and answers for days, i finally came to the conclusion that i won't. Cause i knew that they would again be judging me critically and finally fire me for real, for it was certain that my presentation was not going to be any better in just a few days time. But more then that, i figured out i had nothing more to prove to them. Even if i were to have done justice to that last chance, i had a strong feeling i was never going to be as happy as i was there before all this happened. So finally with a heavy heart, i resigned. And i say 'heavy' cause i was upset with the decision i 'had' to make. I had happily thought that i was there to stay. I was wrong.

I have no idea if what i did was right or not. And i also know that to some of you, it might have sounded like i gave up without trying. But i do not regret my decision. I just followed my instincts which was telling me that neither i deserved to be in that place, nor that place deserved to have me. For now, i am content working in that same old place where there are people who wants me and who appreciates my work. :)
 

Which is exactly what i did..

And so, that was half the story of this particular chapter. I bet you must be waiting for me to tell you the other half. Well, to cut it short, i had started talking with this guy who i knew was into me. And i won't say that i was not interested in him too. I was. In fact, after a long long gap, i was finally starting to feel for someone. Everything was going good. But it didn't take me much time to notice that after knowing I'd started to like him too, he changed his ways. In simple words, he had already started taking me for granted. The tables had turned. He even confessed that he was confused about me when i questioned him. Well, if i still had been 'the old me', i'm pretty sure i would have stayed there loving him even more and begging him to love me too. But luckily, experiences have changed me. He was not sure about me, and so i chose to let him go. Like that career decision, this one also made me sad as i had hoped of brighter things. But i definitely did not cry over it for it was neither his fault, nor mine. He was just not my Mr. Right ! 

American writer and philosopher Elbert Hubbard once said, “It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.”  Sure none of those two decisions i had to make was easy. Cause it was very out of the blue. There i was happily basking under the sun and with a sudden swift, rainstorms left me all drenched. But i managed to get up, go inside and wipe myself all dry again.

Even though it was very short lived, i enjoyed the warmth. Looking back, i do not regret joining this Radio and i certainly do not regret meeting him too. I don't even have any complaints. For each has taught me a lesson. I guess some things are just not meant to be.

Instead i would like to show my gratitude. To my friend for helping me see from a clearer view and for being there for me like an old friend even though it has not even been much since we got to know each other. Thanks girl. :) To my brother come boss for taking me in, letting me get the experience and for making me realize my own worth. I hope you don't misunderstand me about my mixed emotions I've expressed here. :) And finally to Mr. Wrong for being completely honest with me. I really appreciate the fact that you stopped me from falling in love with you. :)

True that !

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D