Life Right Now ..

IT IS NOT EASY. To come up with good/presentable articles before the deadline whilst running around here and there every day to cover events. And at the same time, think of ways on how to improve my radio shows along the anxiety of not wanting to be left behind in the ‘invisible yet visible’ competition with my contemporaries. IT IS NOT EASY. To balance the time between 2 jobs that I’m equally passionate about, plus time for college, for gym and time for my personal life. My family and friends seems disappointed with me for not giving them time these days, and I cannot even blame them, for it is true. Come to think of it, I haven’t even had a ‘me’ time in a very long time. I've not even been writing for myself. My blog seems estranged. IT IS NOT EASY. To want to be a fairly good employee at both workplaces and yet be the same nice ‘Pretty/Sara’ that all my loved ones have always known me as.

I have cried and broke down many times amidst all this chaos. I have even thought of giving it all up. But with every mistake I've made, with every tear I've wiped, and with every person who has tried to pull me down, I have only convinced myself to stand up again, continue fighting and show it to them.

Sure it is easy to leave all this mess and just go home, relax under the sun, watch all my favorite TV shows that I've been missing and just do nothing at all. I can easily do that, but I choose not to! As difficult/hectic/crazy/stressful as it is for me right now, I choose to continue struggling. Cause I believe all this is happening for a reason. I am an optimist who ‘foolishly’ believes that God is making me face all this hardship today just so that I can become a more stronger, more better and a successful person tomorrow.

They say, “An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when Life is dragging you back with difficulties, it only means that it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming.” 

Focusing.. Aiming.. Fighting..

Stay ..

I know Love comes and goes,
but maybe, just maybe,
this Love will stay...

:')

Our First Kiss :)

Our first kiss was not where I had always imagined it to be.

 I was thinking maybe under the late evening stars, where in the middle of a conversation, you would shut me up by surprisingly placing your lips on mine, and i would even forget what i was blabbering about. 

Or maybe inside a warm silent room, where you would pull me close towards you, and you would look deep into my eyes, gently touch my lips with yours, and i would even hear the throbs of my heartbeat.

Our first kiss was not where I had always imagined it to be.

With Vodka running all through my veins, I wobbled my way there. I knew you were right behind me, to catch me just in case i fell.

 It felt so good I actually wanted to purposely skip a feet. :)

I reached the washroom. And with sleepy eyes and a cheesy smile, i told you to wait outside for me. 

But just as i was about to close the door, you leaned over and you kissed me.  

You kissed me our very first kiss, at a washroom door!
Haha :D 

Our first kiss was not where i had always imagined it to be.

But our first kiss was exactly the way i had always imagined it to be.

Shy,Soft,Sweet

Scary yet Surreal

Sealed 

<3

What an idea !

Just saw this randomly on a site and got instantly inspired. Damn, if only i had started this on the very first morning i ditched my sleep for an hour of puffing & panting. Well, obviously not in dollars but at least a hundred rupees per session would have saved me money for maybe 3-4 new outfits by now. But i guess better late than never! I am soo doing this soon. ;)

Yes, I've been jogging these days. Not every single morning but we (me and my fitness instructor cum good friend) try to go whenever we can wake up in this torturous cold weather. But on an honest note, despite the exercise, i have not been watching what i eat. (You should see how much i eat -..- ) Maybe that's the reason why there are still no changes in my body. But then again, if the leg of my half-a-decade-old bathroom scale is still healthy enough, i might have gone about a couple of kilos down. :P

But i swear on the post-jogging super-duper-awesomely-awesome goooood feeling that YOU also should seriously start working out !! Any kind of exercise will guarantee you that heavenly feeling i feel after every workout. It does not necessarily have to be jogging. Remember, it may be difficult. It actually will be; especially in the initial days. But hey, nothing comes easy right? Especially not when it comes to shedding fats. I have only now understood that there are no easy way out such as slimming pills or magical slimming belts. Not even hours and hours of emotionally-blackmailing prayers to God. The only way it works is by exercising and by eating right - which again is off course easier said than done -  but not impossible !

So don't think much and just start! Find an exercise buddy and hit the morning streets. Or join classes like aerobics, zumba or even better, kick boxing. They say an hour of intense kick boxing can burn up-to almost a thousand calories. Oh Yeah, you heard me right !

Well since the holidays are soon gonna be over, i guess i will sadly have to put an end to my morning running sessions as college starts early at 06.30 am. But with all that i put in my mouth, i cannot 'not' exercise at all. Even if i don't lose the kilos, i certainly don't want to gain more. So i'm planning on attending cardio-kick-boxing classes in the evening at my neighborhood fitness center. What about you ?? 

Go ahead and work your ass off to feel good and also to look good. Trust me, hard work does pay off. Cheers to your great new start !! And do not forget to put some money in the jar after every successful attempt. Cause by the time you have a new body, you will also have the budget to treat yourself with a new wardrobe you'll definitely need. ;)

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love-Exercise !
:D

Prove me Right !

They all left
Said they wouldn't
But eventually did
Made me feel bad 
For being me

But last night
For the first time
Not a wee bit of fear
In his eyes i saw
While i cried

But last night
For the first time
Not a wee bit of guilt
In my heart i felt
As he watched

They all left
Said they wouldn't
But eventually did
Made me feel bad 
For being me

*********************************************************************************************************************************************************

But
Hey you
Thank you
For letting me
Lighten my heart
And not burden it back

Hey you, i know you're different. Prove me right !

I think i miss you ..

There is just something about this wait ..

Never thought i would, but i think i miss you ..

I miss how you strongly take my hands ..
I miss how you gaze deep into my eyes ..
I miss how you give me that pretty smile ..

I should have dared to hug you that night ..
Maybe that would have lasted me this while ..

♥ . ♥

His eyes, when he smiles ..
:')

the day when Love died ..

 

 

Remember the day when
In that small corner we sat
How bitterly the clouds cried
As you blandly kissed my tears

Remember the day when
Under that umbrella we stood
How suddenly my soul ceased
As you blandly shoved my body

 

Remember the day when
Love died

Ooops !

Is it OK to have a crush on someone you're not supposed to?
o.O
 

Me and My Magazine Dreams !

"Don't get fascinated by the pictures alone, read the articles too." I clearly remember my elder sister raising her sharp voice at me as i flipped through the glossy pages of one of those hundreds of thick Cosmopolitan magazines she owned. She was a fervid magazine reader and it didn't came as a surprise when the habit was passed down to me. Initially it was just the glamorous photographs of surprisingly beautiful actresses/models and the stylish apparels that had my eyes glued. But after that day, the articles started getting my attention too. And slowly, this habit turned into a passion. A passion deep enough to make me hear my inner voice declare "Yes, this is what i want to do.'' at the last page of every monthly edition i read. Looking back now, i guess her scoldings were a blessing in disguise. A gift from one sister to another. :)
 

There is no doubt that i am a very lazy girl. (My family would be the first ones to agree on that.) But despite my weakness, i have dared to dream. On many dark nights, I've not let my mind rest for such long hours, sending it to brainstorming mode just to come up with interesting new ideas and concepts for my future project. Yes, i have actually visioned myself launching my own magazine one day. Fingers crossed ! 

And so, with a strong determination to make my desire a content reality, i confidently walked my way into that newly furnished office for the interview. When asked about why i was there, my honesty immediately voiced, ''I am here to learn. This is what I've always wanted to do; where I've always wanted to be.''

And this evening, i got a call with the lady on the other line saying that that i could join WOW (World of Women) Magazine from tomorrow. :) Yes, that is the name of the magazine i will be working for. After a couple of rejections from other print media houses, I'm glad that I finally have a company that believes in me. Now all that i have to do is to repay their kindness by working hard for them. And as for me, i just want to prove it to myself that, ''If i can dream it, i can do it.''

Here's to moving on to the next chapter of my life. To being one step closer to my dreams. And also to hectic days ahead. 

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

The Final Goodbye

The world outside was smiling Christmas joys. And inside that serene room, was the very first time he took her in his arms so strong and gazed into her eyes so deep. Never had anyone made her feel that special. Never had she felt such warmth on a December evening. That moment froze. And her racing heart skipped a beat, just to tell her that he was 'the one'.

"But if there ever comes a day when we shall have to say our final goodbyes, i will die. Maybe i will continue breathing, but my soul shall be lifeless. Maybe i will have another man in my life, but my heart shall be with you. I will miss you everyday then like i miss you everyday now. You will always be the King of my heart. Know that you are the only one for me."

And that day arrived. As much as it killed her, she finally decided to walk away herself as she could not imagine the broken state of her soul if he were to do the same. Like a coward, she slowly moved forward praying he would come running after and hug her from behind and cry her to stay. In vain went her soft prayers when he stood there watching as she made her way into the darkness, till she could no longer be a burden to his heart-sight.

"I promise that i will get over you and that you will no longer be allowed to rule my heart." This was what she heard herself whisper the day she decided she could not take it any further. His silence was getting more and more louder for her ears to bear. Her hope was shaking. For some reasons, she cursed herself for telling him to leave his world behind and come for her; or stay right where he is and forget that she even existed. With each passing day, she was dying a little more inside and so, to take that risk of either 'here or there' was all that she had left. After all, love is nothing but a risk. To give someone the authority to do whatever s/he wants with our heart. Nurture, Play, Stab, Anything!

But maybe her faith was not as fierce as was her love. She had the courage to devote herself to him. She had the courage to let him decide the fate of their bond. But when it came to waiting for what he had to cease, fear ate her alive. 3 long years of dramatic patience had already worn out her soul. Yet she had managed to persuade herself to hold on one more day, every day. Until she could no longer tolerate the pain. Love defeated; Fear eventually won that day.

Even though she had wrapped this one as 'The Final Goodbye' after hundreds of unsuccessful valedictions, it still seemed to her that their story was not over yet. Because she still missed him crazily under the lovers' night sky. Because she still felt his warm embrace inside the cold cave of her solitude. Because she still found herself penning notes of their tragedy. Because she still played the songs he used to sing for her on repeat, until it bled her heart. Because she still could not dare to erase off his memories. Because she still was searching hard for reasons to believe that this was not the end of their supposed-happily-ever-after. And because a part of her convinced her that he also was miserable without her touch. The part he caressed. True whoever quoted, "Promises are meant to be broken". For he still was the ruler of her heart.  

Although faint, their hope seemed alive. Their love fathomless as ever; maybe even more now. So was this really their final goodbye?

TOOT* PMS !!

Seriously what could be more horrid than the 2nd day of the month; The mother of all days! 

It starts with my stupid phone alarm disturbing me at exactly 05:30 which i off course snoozed off a couple of times before finally turning it off with the decision to skip college. Whoever likes waking up, getting ready and travelling all that long way just to take boring Sociology lessons; all that with a terrible backache, a super-duper blocked nose and a bloated belly? No chance for me! So i went back to sleep but sadly to again get awaken by mom and dad's complaints. Right after 30 short minutes. There goes my plan to sleep soundly until 10 or at least until 9am. 

Worst, i went in front of the mirror only to see 2 large, pinkish, swollen, and extremely painful new pimples on my recently-improved facial skin. Wow! As if all that f-ugliness and the early morning yelling was not enough. And wait, how can i not mention the tragedy of my 'already husky voice' turning out to be even more huskier on this very blissful day. Like i literally have to force-push my vocal cords to produce verbal sounds. So much for having cakes and sel-rotis for 2 days in a row. :/

So that's how it started. But that's just the physical results. Along with all that baggage comes the very expected emotional emotions; Without which PMS does not even seem like PMS. Until today, i bet no girl knows exactly as to how or why it happens. The frustration, the irritation, the laziness, the aggression, the hopelessness, the mood swings, the depression and the pitiful way we look at our own lives. And it even actually makes us search for reasons to be extra sad. Something like i did a couple of hours ago. I know he is happy with his (present and soon to be future) woman but off course, i had to re-convince myself by stalking his profile just to see the mushy updates and comments they exchanged for each other. And then instantly retreat back into my crab-shell. Heights of Stupidity!
(But hey, if in any case you are reading this, instead of being makkhai, question yourself why you are still getting updated with my blog-posts.)

Damn! This is so so true. Every woman needs a man who will make her feel beautiful even on such i-am-so-fat-and-ugly days. He, who will take extra care of her on such fragile days. And it is really annoying because i got no such man to spread all those sweetness on me today.

See what i mean by PMSing! First the self-sympathy of being single and later the self-disgust of feeling that desperateness. I'm so sure that i will be cursing myself for publicly-sharing all this beijatti thoughts after this bloody period is over. Arrggh! I think i need a big tub of strawberry ice-cream now! God bless my throat though. :/

To Express or To Impress ??

I won't call myself a writer 'yet' but it was a friend who yesterday introduced me to the term 'A Writer's Block' as i was complaining to my girls about how I've not been able to come up with anything recently. It's been long, really long since i last wrote. It was just not happening. Not that i had no new updates in my ever dramatic life or no new sense of optimism in me to be shared. Maybe laziness had overruled me. Or maybe i was not wanting to talk about it. But i doubt that excuse. Otherwise, why would i have even entered the blog-world? 

That conversation ended; leading me somehow to a much deep thought where i found me questioning myself, Do i write to actually express or to impress? Scrolling down to the oldest post on my page, it says that i started this with a mission to improve my writing skills. So for that, i kept writing. Which means i kept expressing. But having said that, why do I feel like I'm only trying to convince myself and you, that 'to express' was the sole reason as to why I've been writing all this while? And if so, why do i feel the pressure when people come up to me and tell me to update my blog? But hey, i do have to admit that it feels really good when they say they are actually waiting for my new post. :)  Well maybe, it is their sincere expectation that makes me want to write; also to impress. 

OK, i guess I'm over-stressing on this. Mr. Brain although has been tortured much, still gives me no answer as to what my intention as a (beginner) writer lies. So with this post, i end what they call 'A Writer's Block'. And as i promise to soon be back to both express and impress, i ask this to my fellow blog-mates;  Do you write to express or to impress? ;)

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

You complete You !

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

- Tom Robbins

One of those days !

Yes, some days i just can't help but break down. It hurts so much to keep it burning inside. The anger. The fear. And the pain. It's like you feel a part of you is dying. Gasping for air in the suffocation. Searching for light in the dark. And today is one of those days. Today, it is raining. :'(

Mixed Emotions of a Birthday Girl !

Birthdays have always been a big important thing for me. It excites me every single year. But maybe this year it excited me a bit too much. Cause at the end of the day, i was in tears with a sure feeling that it was one of the worst 28th June ever. :'(

Since a year back, i had promised myself that i would do at least something good on my birthdays every year from now on. My purpose was basically to spread smiles; more importantly to the less fortunate ones. Which is then, i visited an orphanage full of innocent and very well disciplined children on my birthday last year. Along with my mother, my sisters and a friend, we took a white-forest flavored cake, sweets, and essential goodies for them. Seeing their glowing smiley faces, i couldn't be more proud of my decision at the end of that day. :)

This year, with my special day already on the verge of arriving but still no ideas popping into my head, i was worried. But thankfully, a gracious woman named Robyn Bomar came to my rescue. I don't exactly remember how but i happened to visit her blog where i read a very inspiring article. Robyn on her 38th birthday, went out with her family and did 38 Random Act of Kindness for every year of her life thus far. Woah! That beautiful woman won my heart in just a click. And right then, i knew i had found the perfect way to make others happy on my happy day. :)

And so on the morning of 'the' day, with a smiley heart and an energetic soul, i went out on the streets with my best friend. All set to perform 22 Random Act of Kindness. But thanks to the scorching 33 degree summer sun, the never-ending traffic jam of Kathmandu, and also because of the very limited time, we returned home all worn out and 'amusingly yet irritatingly' sunburned with only 7 deeds ticked on the list. With frowned faces, we thought that maybe we should have had planned it out more carefully. I was very very very upset. :(

Then at home, the continuous all day long cooking led to a tired body and the unexpected/unwanted guests dropping by led to a tired mind. Everything was so hectic. It was certainly not surprising when most of my friends remarked on how stressed i looked by the time they arrived. And to top it all, i happened to hurt one of my loved one at the end of the day. I swear it was very UN-intended but i guess my mind was in too much a chaotic state to have realized making that mistake. It left me in terrible regret and guilt. There i was wanting to spread smiles, but instead i made somebody cry. As soon as my friends left, i let it all out. All the tears i was holding back all that time. I'm sure you know how when one thing hurts, we tend to remember all the reasons why our life is not perfect. Well, that's what happened to me that night. I felt pathetic and unlucky and lonely. Like i will never do anything right. Like i will never be successful. Like i will never be loved. In one sentence, i screwed up my own birthday.

My 22nd year on Earth certainly did not start on a happy note. At least not anything like i had expected it to. And that scares me with the feeling that the rest of the year is going to be like how it started. But still, there is this optimistic part of me that foolishly wants to believe that God has good things in store for me. Because for quite some time now, i have been in constant struggle with my career, with my weight issues and with my love life. But i continue fighting for each of those cause i know that i will succeed. Sooner or later, but i will. God cannot be that cruel.

Thank you to each one of you who wished me and to each one of my friends who came and joined me in my celebration. To my best friend who helped me financially for the deeds, who suffered the sunburns along with me and who patiently comforted me as i poured out my wounded heart at night. And especially to each of my family members for allowing me waste a whole lot of hard-earned money every year on my birthday and yet still not complaining about it. I am truly blessed to have you all in my life. :')

Before ending my post, i would here like to share the 'only' 7 deeds we did that morning.

1.) Every time i pass the streets of New Road, my eye catches this middle aged visually-impaired guy who sits on a plastic sack and plays the 'maadal'. I knew the first thing in my list was to go to him. So, i bought him samosas and a bottle of mineral water and gave it to him which he happily ate that very moment. I could feel his hunger. But i was glad i could give him at least that much. :)

2.) The next act we did was; we bought 5 bottles of refrigerated mineral water and distributed it to people who deserved it. People like rickshaw pullers and footpath store owners who works hard under that harsh angry sun. To quench off their thirst. :)

3.) We bought a copy of the Kantipur Daily and placed it on the top of a random cab, thinking that the driver could read it while waiting for passengers. I hope he was happy to see it when he returned back to his ride. :)

4.) How lucky we would feel if we find an unscratched recharge card lying somewhere, wouldn't we? Well, we hope we made somebody feel lucky by placing one in a corner of a small temple. For them kindred soul who prays. :)

 5.) Who wouldn't be happy with sweet treats? Anyone and Everyone. Especially small kids. And more specially, kids who can never afford to buy them. So we got this small street boy a Nutty Snickers bar. You should have seen the excitement on his face. :)

6.) Our next stop was Cafe Hessed in Jawalakhel where we bought a pretty little chocolate cupcake and left it right there as we instructed the shop owner to give it to the first person who walks through that door. :)

7.) As for the final act, i did what i knew best. What i love doing the most. Making children happy. So with tubs of strawberry flavored ice-cream, off we went to a neighborhood Montessori. They were so happy they even sang a birthday song for me. Twice. :)

True they say that when we do good, we feel good. Even though i failed in doing my 22 Random Acts of Kindness, i am content that i managed to do at least 7. Something is definitely better than nothing. Spreading a few smiles is better than spreading none. :)

Just like Robyn Bomar inspired me to do such kind deeds, i hope you also get inspired by me. To help those in need. To make people happy. To make this world a more beautiful place for everyone. :)

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

The first and already the best birthday gift for this year :D

OK, i am going to be very quick on this and that a short one too. Actually I'm beaming at this moment. I can't get my lips to stop smiling. Just got home from my first ever interview. Yup, i got interviewed for the very first time in all these 22 long years. Wooohooo ! :D

It's like a dream come true cause being an avid magazine reader, i have read all those thousands of interviews in thousands of magazines which have led me to secretly want to both interview and get interviewed. I remember answering all those in my mind as i went from one question to another. And there i was today, sitting in front of them half nervous as i sipped on my cold glass of cranberry juice and half calm as i blabbered my thoughts away on what they had to ask.
 

Well to be frank enough, it's nothing like what you are thinking. That was not a big interview for something extravagant. I was not called cause i achieved something or did something praiseworthy. :P Actually there is this pretty little bookshop in Jhamsikhel, Lalitpur called BOOKWORM and because i am a 'good' and a 'loyal' customer there, i was called to share my views on the store and on the books i have read. All for the next issue of a literary magazine titled READ.

But who cares?  It was fun and i am happy. As a matter of fact, very much happy. I got to voice my thoughts and hopefully i will get to actually read them on a page of glossy paper very soon. Thank you so much BOOKWORM. This is the first and already the best birthday gift for this year. :)

Ending my last blog-post as a 21 year old ..

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

And his cry still echoes ..

This evening as i was returning home on my red Nova, something made me pull the brakes in an instant. A voice. A painful voice crying 'aaayyyaaa' ... It's still haunting my mind even after all these hours. And fortunately or unfortunately, i caught sight of that voice too. :/

There on the corner of the road, a young man crying helplessly as a group of more than ten 'heartless bastards' (as i would like to call them) beat him forcibly. With their long big legs and their beast like faces. Even though it was already sunset dim, i could still see their anger. Erupting it all out on that poor fellow. My heart skipped a terrified beat.

I wanted to go and stop them. I really did. But i couldn't. And i didn't. Because there was no way i could protect myself from all those men if they in turn threw themselves at me for being a busybody. And for the first time, i sensed the weakness of being a female. For the first time, i blamed myself for being born a woman. Cause had i been a man, i would have immediately ran over to help the victim. But i stood there as a coward and just watched everything with a weak guilty heart. The most i could do was to tell the 'dae' who was standing besides me to go over and help. Which he did. 

I had no idea why they were so angry with him. Maybe he did something wrong. Or maybe he didn't. But still, ten upon one! That's very unfair and very atrocious. How can people have such cruel hearts? Have humans forgotten humanity? ;(

On my way back, his cry echoed in my ears. I thought about him. I silently prayed for his life. I don't know what they did to him and in what state they abandoned him. Cause all of them bastards took him far away from the crowd as they continued crushing his bones.

And his cry still echoes ..

Summer Twenty Twelve :)

OK, let me straight away make it clear that i am not a fashion blogger. I don't know much about fashion and style. All i know is the basics. The blouses and the jeans and the stilettos, the dresses and the ballerina flats, the tees and the shorts and the flip-flops, etc. But, i am a lady and like every single lady in this world, i too love clothes and dressing up. And off course showing it off sometimes too. :P

Today, i just felt like sharing a few pictures of my favorite summer outfit. Combo of the pink tee and the black shorts. These are actually clothes from last summer. But i love it too much to continue wearing it this year as well. :)

Last August in Pokhara with dearest Deepa !
:)

And unexpectedly, the color of my hair and bag matched !
Haha

Sauce, Syno, Rose and Me !
♥ Sisters ♥

A stroll-shot down the streets of Dharan !

And this is one of my favorite. :)
With younger sis Sy !

I got that tee at an insane 50% sale at Giordano in Kathmandu itself and as for the shorts, i just picked it up from a random street shop when i was in Goa for my hols. Also very cheap. And oh yes, I'm sure you noticed the brown pumps that I'm wearing in all the pics. Oh those are my babies. Ever since i bought them a few months back from DOT, People's Plaza, Kathmandu, i have been  wearing them almost everyday. Super light and super comfy (crocs) and the best part is that it goes quite well with every outfit. ;)

Well people, i guess i will be enjoying the sunshine with more of this pink and black and brown combo. And i hope you guys enjoy your Summer Twenty Twelve too. :)

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

Awaiting Real Freedom !

I want to live my life on my own terms without any fear of what others might say/think about me. There are so many "socially wrong" things i want to do. But then, i find my own self stopping myself. I don't know why I'm so scared of this society. In fact, i know that there are many more like me out there in this world who are living their lives the way their society wants them to, and not the way they want themselves want to. That is not called living. They are not living their lives to the fullest. I am not living my life to the fullest. :/

I wonder when i will gather enough courage to do whatever i desire without giving a fuck about what others might say/think about me. I await that day. The day when i will breathe real freedom. Amen !

And when your mind is free, you are free. And that is real freedom !

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

Look Beyond !

I know it may sound a bit unusual for a 'Love Freak' like me to say this, but yes people, Life is not only about falling in love and finding the right person and working on the relationship. Do not revolve around 'only' that. Look beyond. There are so many more things we need to focus on. There are so many people who needs our help. There is so much to learn. So much to do. Reach out for your dreams. Search for your true calling. Do what your heart desires. Do not let your love stop you from anything. Instead, let love inspire you. To become a better person. Let love make you love yourself. Let love make you love your life. :)

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

The day i realized i had a self-misconception ...

I feel like i am not doing enough when there is so much i am capable of doing.
I feel like i am wasting my time doing nothing beneficial for me and my society.
I feel like i am now supposed to stop thinking and rather start getting practical.

I am an undergrad student in my 2nd year. I am educated. I am capable. I have the skills. I have the resources. I have support. I have the time. I have the heart.

So here, i ask myself.
Why am i not doing anything?
Why am i acting this ignorant?
Why am i being so inconsiderate?

And until this day, i had 'thought' that i was a very thoughtful person.
;(

Re-Incarnation !

Today's sunrise woke me up to a very painful reality check. As i was thinking in bed, a sense of heaviness burdened my heart. It left me questioning myself. Doubting my own self. Fearfully, i dragged my 'soul' to the mirror. And Oh, that face scared me. Who was she? Where was that girl who once ruled my mirror with her eyes so bright and a smile so real? What has become of her?

It took me not much time but a great deal of courage to finally realize and accept the fact that i had changed so much. All those problems and all those continuous failures had murdered the optimistic and strong girl that i once was. And no matter how many times i tried to stretch my lips, it just did not seemed like a smile. I 'had' to confess to myself that i was no longer happy. No longer who i used to be.

I then decided that it is high time i now re-cleanse myself. I cannot afford the risk to stay like this forever. Life has just started and all that i faced was probably Life's only way of telling me that this is how it is always going to be. Problems are never going to end. In fact, there may be more harsher ones punching me in the future. And failures, i shall simply have to accept and use them as a 'furious' motivation to continue fighting. I shall just have to go with the flow.

But, i will NOT let all those bends break me. Instead i am going to make it make me. With a positive attitude, i will deal with whatever i have to. Facing challenges, taking decisions, making mistakes, comprehending, and learning from it. Yes, that is exactly how i am going to learn and live my life. I will not allow myself to miss the 'old' me, for i am going to again be the 'old' me. The happy me!  The vivacious me!  The inspiring me!  The fearless me!

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

Shall I dare to dream, for real ??

OK, the whole nation is talking about only one thing right now. Miss Nepal 2012. We just got ourselves a new Miss Nepal tonight. And even though i am a bit disappointed as the only contestant i had supported did not win the main title, the thing that is bothering me more is the fact that i didn't even try. :/

It happens every year. I mean, after a new lady gets crowned, i get the same feeling i am feeling right this moment. Angry and Sad. Because like every other young girl, i have also dreamt of being a Miss Nepal one day. But never have i ever taken this passion seriously. As clear as i remember, ever since i was 18, i have been going around telling people that i will lose weight one day and participate in that certain pageant. But serves me right for not trying. It is no one's but my own fault that i am here typing down my thoughts in my room when i 'could' have been on that stage tonight with a sparkling crown on my head.

And so arises the same issue yet again. The weight issue. The 'fat' factor. Always gets in the way. Damn! Why is being 'slim' such an important aspect when it comes to Beauty? Is 'big' never supposed to look beautiful? But let me not go any further there as i know it's a useless debate. So the main thing is, if i really drop sizes, do i try for it? Shall i dare to dream, for real ??

But we all know it that it does not only take beauty to win. For brains stands equally important. After all they say that a pageant winner is that 'beauty with a brain'. Well i am not exactly sure of how 'brainy' i am. But yeah, i do know that i am not brainless. Haha. I believe i do have that something in me, which is why i even dared to knit this dream in the first place itself. And then, there are also some nice people who've supported me by saying that i have what it takes and that i should give it a shot. :)

So now, it is all in my hands. Well sure it always has been, but i fear i am running out of time. A couple more years and i will soon be exceeding the age criteria. Haha. Well, i just hope that this time, my determination will not fade away as the year passes. I pray that this anger stays within me, pushing my limits as it murders my laziness. And i know that it is not only about losing those extra kilos but also equally about working on boosting up my confidence and knowledge level.  For 10 (or more) years down the line, i certainly would not want to depress over the fact that i did not work hard enough for what i wanted. 

Yes I Can ;)

I believe we all should dream. Dream in such a way that we strive towards making it a reality. But at the same time, assure ourselves that not every dream comes to life. And even if it does remain a dream forever, we should never regret it. Daring to dream is in itself an achievement and a dream come true ! 

Oh My God, okay, i am seriously freaking out now. I cannot believe i just wrote all that 'personal' feelings down and will be publishing it in a few minutes. Such uncontrollable emotions, Pretty ! I know for sure that i will be teased by a hell lot of you out there. And i bet some of you must also be laughing at me right now. But hey, maybe that criticism of yours just might motivate me even more. ;)

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

To a far away place ..

If only i could
I would go far away

To a place
Where no one knows me
And i know none

To a place
Where i would walk on my own
And talk to myself

To a place
Where i would breathe free
And clear my mind

To a place
Where i would get lost
And find my way back home

If only i could
I would go far away


Every time i feel down, lost and lonely, i have this desire. I picture myself walking down an unknown western* street. Under the moonlight. No destination in mind. Stopping by a bar to grab a drink. Getting a stranger's company. Telling him* such personal things i don't even tell myself. Laying my heart out. Spend some time together. Crying, Laughing, Kissing. Then get up and continue walking. Never to see that person again.

Trust me, if only i had the freedom and the money, i would have really fled away. If not forever, then just for some time. To run away from the people i know. To get lost amidst strangers. To enjoy without being judged. To live my life. To breathe.

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

Let's mind our own Business !

Breaking News : I have gained weight !
 

Now please don't ask me how much more cause I have not yet dared to drag my over-sized feet on the scale. That machine is my worst nightmare ever.

It sure does.

Well thanks to everyone and i mean literally everyone who nowadays upon seeing me goes,
:  Timi jhan mottako ?
:  Kina feri mottako ?
:  Katro mottako !

As if i am blind. As if i don't have a mirror at home. As if i cannot feel the extra meat on my already meaty body. Off course i know i have gotten more fatter. And yes, that feeling sucks. That pair-o-jeans getting more tighter than ever sucks. That extra layer on the stomach while sitting down sucks. But what sucks even more is the whole world reminding me about it over and over again. Do you people have nothing else to do or say?

OK, i agree that was rude. But hey, its kinda annoying you know. I mean, at first you teach me that i should stop grouching so much and instead be proud of myself no matter which size i am. And i finally learn to not loathe my voluminous body and start appreciating my curves. But then you come around the second time, slap me with all those harsh comments and make me feel bad about being fat all over again. And then when i start re-whining, you blame me for being too obsessed with my weight issues. I just don't get it. ;(
 
Tell me, what do you expect me to do? How exactly am i supposed to feel about myself? Is it my fault that i love food so much? Is it my fault that i have a medical condition which is also playing its part in helping me get more heavier? Is it also my fault that i don't sweat at all even when I'm working out like crazy?

Well, think whatever you want to. But please keep that for yourself. Cause i am no longer interested to care. I realized you people are never going to let me live in peace. I bet you will surely have something to say even if by chance, i slim down one day. Maybe you will suggest me to eat more or get more toned. Haha.

KUDOS to that Jenn ;)

So from this day onwards, I will happily eat when i want to. I will regret after pigging-out when i have to. I will furiously exercise when i want to. I will feel bad if a piece of clothe doesn't fit when i have to. I will love my big body when i want to. And yes, i will hate this same big body when i have to.  I will do it all myself; for myself. And not to please you.

You mind your own and I'll mind my own.
Yeah, let's mind our own goddamn business !

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D

Learning to Decide !

Well thank good old Lord my blog opened. It was just not working and i was starting to freak out of fear that i won't get to lighten my heavy heart. Damn! What a dramatic week that was. A lot of changes. Practical changes which affected me hard. Emotionally. My mind is such a mess right now. 

As i write this, i still lay unsure here on my bed. Thinking much about whether to continue writing or not. Doubting myself if i can digest the feed backs after letting the whole world know about such personal matters. Yes, i am scared. Scared of being judged. Scared of being pointed at. Scared of being gossiped about. And scared of being under-estimated.

But i guess this is me. Timid yet Brave. Weak by nature yet Strong by experiences. Life has taught me a whole lot. And one of the lessons i have learned is to be myself. To tell you the truth, i have never been secretive. Concealing my feelings is something i just cannot do. I have always always been the narrator of my own book. So being just my own self today, let me read out to you yet another chapter of my 'never boring' life.

If you had read my previous post (Sunny Sunday), i bet you sensed how gleeful i sounded. Well i indeed was happily flying on cloud 9. And why wouldn't i? For i had just been offered a new job and here i tell you without hesitation that someone had entered my life too. Times were good. But the sun doesn't always shine, does she? Even the day must give way to the night is also something i have learnt from my Westlife boys.

I started both the new shows i had mentioned. And it went well. But maybe not as good enough, as what i was told when they broke the bad news to me. Yeah, i was thrown out of that girls' show. What a kick they gave me in the head! Oh how difficult it was for me to believe it. Cause it was way unexpected as i loved being a part of that show and was excitedly looking forward for the second part. But little did i knew that the first time was also the very last time. I came home and cried my heart out. The last time i cried was around mid January when Radio Kantipur showed me the way out. It was then i realized i was really hurt. But wait, that was not all the stones they had to throw at me. They also told me that the love show i did was not so impressive and that i would be allowed only one last go to prove myself. Suddenly, it was like i was forced to doubt my own self. Having cold feet, i conversed with myself; 'Maybe the studio is not my place, maybe the microphone is not my thing.' Not even a proper week of starting my work there and i was already being threatened of getting fired. Plus having the thought of being kicked out from 2 big media houses in such a short period of time, off course my heart was throbbing.
 
When we are the mind, our friends are our heart. And when we are the heart, our friends are our mind. Meaning they help us think from another equally important perspective when we tend to use only one in certain situations. That afternoon, when my heart was in full control, a friend came to my rescue. At first I made her listen to whatever pain i had to cry and then she gave me a piece of her mind. She re-assured me that i am a good RJ with a good voice. That felt nice. :) She further advised me that i don't necessarily have to work with people who doesn't appreciate my work. Her soft scoldings were a blessing in disguise. Cause she made me realize that it was not only my fault that i didn't live up to their expectations, but also (mainly) their fault for treating me like trash. Off course they knew exactly how good or bad i was when they took me in. So how could they have simply judged me on the very first show and tell me that i am not up to par for their radio. That is so so wrong. If they were not that sure of my capability, they shouldn't have hired me (without auditioning) in the first place itself. Or they could also have trained me a bit before giving me the freedom to go live on air.

Hurt, insulted and disrespected to the core! That was how i was feeling. My friend told me to give my best shot for the last chance that i was offered and i was willing to do it too. But after torturing my brain with non-stop questions and answers for days, i finally came to the conclusion that i won't. Cause i knew that they would again be judging me critically and finally fire me for real, for it was certain that my presentation was not going to be any better in just a few days time. But more then that, i figured out i had nothing more to prove to them. Even if i were to have done justice to that last chance, i had a strong feeling i was never going to be as happy as i was there before all this happened. So finally with a heavy heart, i resigned. And i say 'heavy' cause i was upset with the decision i 'had' to make. I had happily thought that i was there to stay. I was wrong.

I have no idea if what i did was right or not. And i also know that to some of you, it might have sounded like i gave up without trying. But i do not regret my decision. I just followed my instincts which was telling me that neither i deserved to be in that place, nor that place deserved to have me. For now, i am content working in that same old place where there are people who wants me and who appreciates my work. :)
 

Which is exactly what i did..

And so, that was half the story of this particular chapter. I bet you must be waiting for me to tell you the other half. Well, to cut it short, i had started talking with this guy who i knew was into me. And i won't say that i was not interested in him too. I was. In fact, after a long long gap, i was finally starting to feel for someone. Everything was going good. But it didn't take me much time to notice that after knowing I'd started to like him too, he changed his ways. In simple words, he had already started taking me for granted. The tables had turned. He even confessed that he was confused about me when i questioned him. Well, if i still had been 'the old me', i'm pretty sure i would have stayed there loving him even more and begging him to love me too. But luckily, experiences have changed me. He was not sure about me, and so i chose to let him go. Like that career decision, this one also made me sad as i had hoped of brighter things. But i definitely did not cry over it for it was neither his fault, nor mine. He was just not my Mr. Right ! 

American writer and philosopher Elbert Hubbard once said, “It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.”  Sure none of those two decisions i had to make was easy. Cause it was very out of the blue. There i was happily basking under the sun and with a sudden swift, rainstorms left me all drenched. But i managed to get up, go inside and wipe myself all dry again.

Even though it was very short lived, i enjoyed the warmth. Looking back, i do not regret joining this Radio and i certainly do not regret meeting him too. I don't even have any complaints. For each has taught me a lesson. I guess some things are just not meant to be.

Instead i would like to show my gratitude. To my friend for helping me see from a clearer view and for being there for me like an old friend even though it has not even been much since we got to know each other. Thanks girl. :) To my brother come boss for taking me in, letting me get the experience and for making me realize my own worth. I hope you don't misunderstand me about my mixed emotions I've expressed here. :) And finally to Mr. Wrong for being completely honest with me. I really appreciate the fact that you stopped me from falling in love with you. :)

True that !

Till my next post, Eat-Pray-Love !
:D